LESLEY GORE —YOU DON'T OWN ME

50 years later ... Why are women flocking to
"Fifty Shades of Grey"?

     By Antoinette Rainone
     Follow your dreams! Pursue your passions! Find your wings! 
     These are the mantras I've been writing about since beginning this blog a little over a year ago. 
     What's the one thing, though, that would hinder you from pursuing your life's fulfillment? 
     Being owned by another human being. 
     You cannot find your wings if they are being clipped and controlled by another person. If you allow someone to own you, guess what? You are living that person's dream for you. And it's never a pleasant dream.
     I was filled with fifty shades of dismay this past Valentine's Day Weekend. Variety magazine reported that "Fifty Shades of Grey" sizzled at the weekend box office — to the tune of $94.4 million from more than 3,600 locations over the three-day period — setting new records for a Valentine's/Presidents Day holiday opener of all time. 
     Why were so many modern women gathering their gal pals to watch a "sexy, romantic" movie about a serial stalker who controls a young, impressionable female victim? 
     Sixties singing icon Lesley Gore was a teenager when she belted out her anthem to empower women,  "You Don't Own Me." In 1964, she was ahead of her time, but women caught up quickly. However, judging by the masses at the box office, millions of real women — beyond the fictional character of Anastasia — seem to have slipped back. 
      Sadly, and somewhat fortuitously, Lesley Gore died from lung cancer on President's Day — the very weekend "Fifty Shades of Grey" broke box-office records. The two polarizing themes for women — YOU OWN ME ("Shades") and YOU DON'T OWN ME (Lesley) came to a head. The timing of Lesley's death coinciding with a movie glamorizing an abusive relationship seems to emphasize how far we've ... not come ... in 50 years.
     The majority of women did not recognize the relationship they were viewing was NOT about a "consenting couple" exploring a sexual fantasy. Rather, this "couple" consists of a serial stalker and an impressionable college student engaged in a disturbing, abusive relationship, complete with mind control that extends to every area of the very young woman's life. 
     Oh, I get the fantasy part of the plot. I get that women were placing themselves in the role of having a prince charming with his own multibillion-dollar company whisk them off into the clouds for a private helicopter ride. 
     Oh, the allure... The fantasy...
     The landing. Ouch. 
     The landing is a rude awakening to what awaits. A "Red Room of Pain" is the place where "prince charming" hurts her, and hurts her badly. But the pain goes beyond the room, as Mr. Grey controls Anastasia in every single aspect of her life. Abusers control their victims — and they are experts at hiding the abuse. That's how they con them.
     When one of my colleagues read the plot of the movie in detail, she proclaimed: "Wow. I never realized the plot contained all of this non-sexual abuse, and the movie reviews really didn't go into much of this. No wonder groups are protesting that it represents violence against women!"
     Bottom line: There is nothing sexy or romantic about abuse.
     All of us are susceptible to people whose aim is to control us. Why? Because controllers come into our lives initially portraying themselves as caring, lovely individuals. But they are con artists, and it's never long before they strategically start spinning their manipulative ways. 
     We all need to heed the characteristics of an abuser. The "real" Mr. Greys in the world employ these (well, almost) 50 Shades of Decay:
     Mind controller
     Manipulator
     Master of persuasion
     Charmer
     Powerful
     Charismatic
     Lures with gifts
     Lures with promises
     Uses loving words like "protect" and "provide"
     Stalker
     Controls aspects of another person's life
     Back-stabber who take allies 
     Twister of facts who convinces allies everything is your fault
     Compulsive liar
     Blamer
     Plays the victim by spinning the truth
     Master of coercion
     Criticizer who keeps his power by convincing victim she's the one at fault
     Seducer who emotionally seduces others into his subtle controls and lies
     Taker who plays the role of giving love, when in reality the abuser is all about taking, not giving
     Guilt inducer who knows how to play on the victim's heart to get his way
     Thief — through lies and cons, he gets close enough to steal one's heart and soul
     Narcissist who controls at the expense of others
     Jealous
     Convinces it's about love, but really it's about control
     Name caller — to confuse, convince and control his pray, he will call her demeaning names such as "selfish" or "self centered."
     Pretender — pretends to be caring and loving, but it's a cover for someone who only takes control.
     Focus shifter — know how to take a victim's focus off his controlling and cruel acting-out by shifting focus elsewhere, like a perfected magic act.
     Evil doer — abuse is conscious and evil, period. 

     Another colleague of mine, a survivor of an abusive partner, clarifies:
     "Even using the word romantic must be prefaced to communicate that not all abusive men use such 'romantic' behaviors. There are different styles of abusers. The common thread is the controlling manipulator whose behaviors purposely cycle to create confusion to control the victim. The pretend 'vulnerable or kind' behaviors return a false hope to the victim who believes that this good side, with her love or help, will win over his bad side. She doesn't know her mind is being controlled to keep her in a state of confusion and hope. The longer this cycle continues and the more she loses touch with what is real, she will even defend his abuse. This is known as Stockholm Syndrome."
     Anastasia leaves Mr. Grey at the end of the movie. Some rationalize this as "empowering for women." That might have been true if it weren't for the fact that the movie sequel is already in the works. This means Anastasia goes back to her abuser in round 2 — sadly, a common occurrence within abusive relationships. So much for the empowerment theory.

     Lesley's lyrics are all about NOT ALLOWING SOMEONE TO CONTROL YOU. Fifty years later, they ring truer than ever. 
      
      YOU DON'T OWN ME
      I'm not just one of your many toys...
      And don't tell me what to do
      Don't tell me what to say...
      Don't try to change me in any way
      Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay...
      I'm young and I love to be young
      I'm free and I love to be free
      To live my life the way I want...
      To live

     If you think you are in a relationship where you are the victim of control, seek help. It's never too late to break free and regain your true self. 
      
     Be free to find your wings. ...To live.

    

FOR THIS NEW YEAR, 

MAKE INTERNAL RESOLUTIONS

BY ANTOINETTE RAINONE
      I began this blog in November 2013 to invite you to share a journey with me ... a journey to find your wings ... to discover your life's dreams no matter how young or old you are. The more I write, the more I realize the true meaning of finding your wings.
      Finding your wings is not something external, like how to land a dream job, or how to change careers in mid-life, or how to check off all the awesome to-dos on your bucket list. 
      Finding your wings is an internal journey.    
      I thought about this internal journey this past Christmas when Pope Francis met with Vatican employees. He asked them to do 10 things — very much like New Year’s resolutions.

      Pope Francis' Top Ten Resolutions for 2015:
     – “Take care of your spiritual life, your relationship with God, because this is the backbone of everything we do and everything we are.”
     – “Take care of your family life, giving your children and loved ones not just money, but most of all your time, attention and love.”
     – “Take care of your relationships with others, transforming your faith into life and your words into good works, especially on behalf of the needy.”
     – “Be careful how you speak, purify your tongue of offensive words, vulgarity and worldly decadence.”
     – “Heal wounds of the heart with the oil of forgiveness, forgiving those who have hurt us and medicating the wounds we have caused others.”
     – “Look after your work, doing it with enthusiasm, humility, competence, passion and with a spirit that knows how to thank the Lord.”
     – “Be careful of envy, lust, hatred and negative feelings that devour our interior peace and transform us into destroyed and destructive people.”
     – “Watch out for anger that can lead to vengeance; for laziness that leads to existential euthanasia; for pointing the finger at others, which leads to pride; and for complaining continually, which leads to desperation.”
     – “Take care of brothers and sisters who are weaker … the elderly, the sick, the hungry, the homeless and strangers, because we will be judged on this.”

      As we journey into this brand-new year, let everyone of us look within ourselves and concentrate on becoming a better person. Let us especially work on healing the wounds of the heart. If we don't have forgiveness in our hearts, the bitterness will create a toxicity within that will hinder us from doing all the great things we were destined to do in this life. 
    FORGIVE, AND YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN!   
    Remember, as we take care of our spiritual life and our relationship with God — “the backbone of everything we do and everything we are” — all our dreams will fall into place.

Find Your Wings ... at any age. Happy New Year!

 DEREK JETER, THE PLAYER AND THE 'PRAY-ER'

By Antoinette Rainone

     What comes before every big hit, before every big play at shortstop? 
     A small prayer. 
     He prays before he gets to the ballpark. 
     He prays before he gets to the dugout. 
     He prays before he gets up at bat. 
     He prays on the field before the opposing team gets up at bat. 
     Derek Jeter prays.   
     With the cameras constantly on Derek Jeter during Thursday's last home game of his amazing Yankee career, you couldn't help but notice how many times he'd kneel, bow his head, and close with the sign of the cross.
     "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." — Philippians 4:13. 
     Derek Jeter knows where his power, strength, talent, and victories come from. And it's his humbleness that has made Jeter a truly great captain of the New York Yankees. 
     A colleague of mine told me she has relatives who attend the same Roman Catholic parish that Derek Jeter's family belongs to. Every Christmas, they see Derek Jeter at Midnight Mass. There are no cameras, no fanfare. Just one man out of hundreds, sitting in the back of the church, coming to celebrate the birth of the Savior of the world.  
     As a child growing up in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and spending summers with his grandparents in New Jersey, Jeter's one unwavering dream was to be the short stop of the New York Yankees. 
     "I've been pretty blessed. This is always what I wanted to do," Jeter told the hosts of the TV show Close Encounter. "But I appreciate everything that's happened. I don't take anything for granted."
    And he didn't take the last Yankee home game of his 20-year career for granted either. 
    Top of the ninth, the Yankees were winning 5-2. But the Baltimore Orioles are a darn good team...and they tied it. 
    Bottom of the ninth. Brett Gardner gets a hit. The stage is set for Derek Jeter.
    Derek kneels. He bows his head, prays, and closes with the sign of the cross.
    Time to face the pitcher. Man on second. 
    He HITS the ball! OVER the heads and into right field! DEREK DRIVES IN GARDNER TO SCORE THE WINNING RUN! THE YANKEES WIN!   
     And it isn't just any win. It is a game-winning RBI, in the bottom of the ninth, by the man who is playing the last game of his illustrious career in pinstripes.  
    Later, Derek Jeter told reporters he was happy with a broken bat and a run scored in the seventh inning.  
    "I was happy with that being the end," Jeter said. "But I'll take this one."
     And that really is the point. Derek Jeter would have been happy to have won the game in a modest way — with a broken bat. But God had other plans.
     How many times does the game of life mirror a baseball game? Have we ever prayed for something, only to have God answer our prayers in a way totally beyond our wildest dreams? 
     Yankee fan or not, this win seemed to transform everyone. It was a test of faith. Everyone thought the game was a done deal going into the ninth. But sometimes the unexpected happens. And we are reminded: Never take anything for granted. Never lose hope. Keep the faith.
       "If God is for us, who can be against us? — Romans 8:31.
    
      Find your wings ... at any age.

REEVA STEENKAMP – ‘PLACING VALUE ON YOU’

BY ANTOINETTE RAINONE

      Reeva Steenkamp was supposed to talk to a group of young teenage girls at Sandown High School in Johannesburg, South Africa. She had titled her notes, Placing Value on You. She wanted to tell them: Accept who you are. There is no room for abusive relationships in your lives.

      But at 3 a.m. – several hours before Reeva was due to deliver her message on Valentine’s Day, 2013  – she was gunned down in a tiny bathroom she had locked herself in – killed at the hands of her intimate partner, Oscar Pistorius.

      Tragically, Reeva’s life, and death, would become the message.

      “Be brave. Always see the positive,” Reeva wanted to tell them. “Being loved by others, although an amazing feeling to have the appreciation of others, does not define your place in the world.”

       Reeva was finding her wings. By age 28, she had earned a law degree and had become a model and rising television star. She didn’t have to devote her time talking to a group of teenage girls. She wanted to because she never forgot who she was or where she came from.

       “I was raised on a small farm just outside of Cape Town,” Reeva wanted to tell them. Her family didn’t have money, and yet she was “blessed with amazing parents who never allowed me to be aware of my circumstances.

       “In a way I was blessed and privileged to be away from the pressures of city life and I grew up to appreciate the simpler things above the superficial.” 

      Reeva didn’t let the lack of finances deter her, ever. She wanted to tell them that hard work always accompanies big dreams.

     “After moving to Port Elizabeth and deciding to study Law despite our financial situation, I worked hard to be acknowledged as one of the top 15 percent academics at university so that my studies could be 80 percent covered by bursaries and I worked to pay off the rest.”

      Reeva wanted to tell them about the adversities she faced – and conquered.

      “I broke my back towards the end of varsity. Learnt mobility again and made a massive life decision with regards to my career.”

      There was so much Reeva wanted to tell them. She wanted to share the life lessons she had learned along the way – including her vulnerable side.

      “I was in an abusive relationship at the same time and all together these factors encouraged my move to JOZI [slang in South African for Johannesburg]. Despite my height disadvantage and the difficulty in general of breaking into the modeling industry, I put my head down and worked hard towards my dream ... it took some serious soul searching to remind myself of my value in this world.”

       Reeva wanted to inspire these young women to dream big and work hard to achieve their goals.

       “Accept who you are. Acknowledge your absolute ‘CAN DOS’ in life and work on your ‘MAYBES’ so that you can be a better person for the ultimate upliftment of those around you.”

       Above all, Reeva wanted to tell them to love themselves.

      “No matter how many people say that they ‘love’ you, if you do not love your person then you will never step outside of the physical you. The physical you can only do so much if your mental you is lost inside of all the confusion.”

       Looking ahead to when her modeling career would end, Reeva’s next big dream in life was to use her law degree and open a firm with her close friend, Kerry Smith, to help abused women. 
        I suspect Kerry may fulfill Reeva’s dream someday and open such a firm. This would certainly keep the flame of Reeva’s message burning bright. 
      “Make your voice heard, your physical seen. It’s that culmination of your person that will leave a legacy and uplift.” 

       R.I.P., Reeva Steenkamp. Women around the world – PLACE VALUE ON YOU!
 

GRADUATE FROM THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE
TO THE NICE BUCKET CHALLENGE...

We've got an awful lot to live for

BY ANTOINETTE RAINONE

     Unless you’ve had a, well, bucket or something over your head, you’ve surely noticed The Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS being splashed all over social media. The number of people getting doused in icy water this summer has been nothing short of astounding, from celebrities to former presidents to our kids on the block. 

     Through this, attention to ALS – amyotrophic lateral schlerosis – has been renewed. The ALS Foundation has reportedly received 94 million dollars from the challenge. Despite what contrarians say, the numbers speak for themselves. The ice bucket challenge has been a phenomenal success.

     ALS is also known as “Lou Gehrig's disease,” in honor of the great Yankee first baseman who succumbed to the deadly degenerative nerve disease at age 37. 

     Ironically, this year marks the 75th anniversary of No. 4's iconic speech, respectfully commemorated at Yankee Stadium on July 4.

     The most striking aspect of his farewell-to-baseball speech -- recited by a man who knew he was dying -- is that it is full of OPTIMISM! Although Gehrig had no choice but to retire from baseball, he did have a choice whether or not to be truly defeated in the game of life.   

     Lou Gehrig chose not to be defeated. All of us can gleam important lessons from Gehrig’s words…

“Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.” 

     Gehrig’s bad break did not deter him from considering himself the “luckiest man on the face of this earth.” Gehrig chose to face his bad break and confront it head on.

     Next, Gehrig chose to state why he was so lucky, despite the ALS that would inevitably kill him.

     “I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.”

     Gehrig chose to list the people in his life whom he values.

     “Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? 

      “Sure, I'm lucky. 

      “Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball's greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? 

      “Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? 

     “Sure, I'm lucky.”

     Gehrig chose to talk about the wonderful things that have happened to him for which he is so grateful:

     “When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift - that's something.

     “When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies - that's something. 

     “When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter – that’s something. 

     “When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body - it's a blessing. 

     “When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed - that's the finest I know.”

      Finally, Gehrig qualifies his “bad break” with an amazing statement:

     “So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.”

     Gehrig was an Iron Horse on the field, but he was an even greater one off the field. Faced with a terminal illness, he proclaimed: “I've got an awful lot to live for.”

     We can all gain inspiration from Gehrig. Whatever we’re going through, let's recall Gehrig's words. In fact, why don’t all of us get in the habit of doing this everyday?

     Here’s my own version of the “ice bucket challenge.” I call it the “nice bucket challenge.”

     Get an empty bucket. Fill it with NICE things. Fill it with personal reflections and mementos, inspired by Gehrig:

*  I consider myself the luckiest person on the face of this earth because …. 

    

    Recall all the amazing things that have happened in your life, like Gehrig did. Write them down on pieces of paper, and fill your bucket.

*  When [blank happened], that’s something.  

    

    Make a list of all the “that's somethings” in your life, the circumstances that you’ve been blessed with, like Gehrig did. Write them down on pieces of paper, and fill your bucket.

*   Sure, I’m lucky ... Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known … 

   

    Recall the people in your life who have had an amazing impact on you, like Gehrig did. Write down their names on pieces of paper, and a few words on why they are so special. Fill your bucket.

       Keep your bucket in a special place where you can be alone with your thoughts. Feel free to decorate your bucket, too. Fill it with all things nice from your life -- words, photos, souvenirs and mementos. Fill it anytime and fill it often. And if you have a friend who is going through a tough time, challenge him or her to do the Nice Bucket Challenge.    

        After a while, we’ll begin to notice our buckets are not so empty anymore. Because we've got an awful lot to live for.

       Find your wings … at any age.

Follow your bliss ... Don't be afraid ...
Doors will open

By Antoinette Rainone 

       My friend Kathy recently told me that my desire to inspire people to “find your wings” reminds her of mythologist Joseph Campbell’s telling his students during the ‘70s to “follow your bliss.”

       I had read Campbell’s “The Power of Myth” in college and watched Bill Moyers interviews with Campbell on PBS, back in the day. Decades later, I find myself writing this blog to inspire people to “find their wings.”

       Perhaps my bliss was following me all along?

       When I looked up The Joseph Campbell Foundation, I found a partial interview between Moyers and Campbell.

       Bill Moyers: Do you ever have the sense of … being helped by hidden hands?

       Joseph Campbell: All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time – namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

       The word "bliss” is key. Notice Campbell did NOT say...

       ...“follow the road to success”

                  ...“follow the college major that leads to a job” 

             ...“follow an organized and well laid-out plan for a lucrative career” 

                         ...“follow the money trail.”  

      On the contrary, he said, simply: “follow your bliss.”

      

      Dictionary.com defines bliss as:

                     supreme happiness!

                                 utter joy!

                             the joy of heaven!

      And Merriam-Webster Dictionary adds these synonyms for bliss:

     

                                Heaven!

                Elysian fields!

                                    Kingdom Come!

                        New Jerusalem!

                                                     Paradise!

      Wow. Imagine advising a high-school senior not to stress out over SAT scores, the process of college admission, and declaring the right major that will lead to a lucrative career? Imagine, instead, telling the high-school senior, “Now, just sit back, relax, and day dream about life for awhile. Listen to your heart. Follow your bliss.”

       That is exactly what Joseph Campbell encouraged people to do. And so do I.

      Find your wings! Find the supreme happiness in life that makes your spirit soar with utter joy! 

      Listen to your heart and seek out that special something that lifts your feet off the ground to a place where you experience the joy of Heaven!

    

          Follow your bliss!

       As the wisest Man of all once said, “But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21)

        My friend Kathy, by the way, is following her bliss. She and her husband Dan are following their deep desire to help people by opening their own home-healthcare business. Through Comfort Keepers, they will offer services that help people age safely in their own homes. Kathy and Dan's personal experiences of caring for several of their own aging and ill relatives had given them a deeper understanding of the issues facing seniors living at home. Now, they will spread their caretaker experience to help many others. 

         Kathy and Dan are finding their wings … at any age. They have reached an age that they could easily kick back and take it easy. And yet, the part of their beings that define their bliss — the passion burning within that makes their spirits soar with utter joy — is to embark on a venture that will make a real difference in people’s lives. And, in turn, their desire is to help those people experience their own supreme happiness.

         How about you? Won't you share your stories of bliss with us? 

         Find your wings … at any age.